I had an unpleasantly down day. I felt this coming on, and of course, because I don’t feel safe enough to talk about what I am going through, I was slowly taken under.
As a result of research, observation, and retrospective examination I have come to accept the possibility that I may have a genetic predisposition that causes an imbalance in my brain which in turn causes my body and mind to fight harder at times to feel happy.
I believe presence is one of the answers for everything.
So, before I fly completely off the handle, I am deliberately focusing my energy, my pain and suffering, into a purposeful task for a time to Track my Act™ as I work on changing my state.
As I make this list I am also going to explain WHY I am doing what I am doing at this moment.
Just to be transparent and vulnerable: My life doesn’t look like I want or expected it to look at this point. I have a plan to change it. I like the vision and sometimes find myself to be ON FIRE as I work towards completing my goals. Other times I find I slip into my comfortable nest of normality and begin to suffocate from the sameness that is not what I desire it to be. I don’t like to complain often. I just want to remove it from my mind if I can’t solve it.
That being said- I fell into comfort and because I don’t live on an island, when that happens it effects the people that I am around. Not every one knows how to deal with it and even attempts can be overwhelming and frustrating when you don’t understand me.
Side note – I really think too many people (that I have encountered) are conditioned to vent and expect others to vent to them. When I speak I am either gauging your ability to listen, or genuinely sharing a burden that I need some help with and I am not finding anywhere else.
My first thought, which came on after listening to personal development stuff (hours of time most likely)was to get present.
I could tell myself the truth and admit that most of my current emotions are about things I am thinking about.
That’s when I had the thought to write this down and share it.
Then I realized I was being present in writing this.
As I watch my fingers dance across the keyboard.
Hitting backspace and delete. Spacebar and letter keys…
I feel myself breathing.
YES! Feeling myself elevate in mood as I connect with YOU. The woman that spontaneously read this because a friend shared it with her. The curiosity peaked enough to click the link.
I thank you for doing so.
It means a lot that you are here with me
because God knows I don’t want to be alone 😉
I remember in these moments that my stuff is small and for a purpose in the grand scheme of things.
I have people to help and you don’t know I am here.
You don’t know because I have been terrified of living.
Of being the fully expressed version of me.
And as my eyes well in tears and the keys blur in to sparkling stars I continue to type …
My tears are only here because I know the pain of not expressing myself all too well. Not wanting to bring shame to someone else for how I look or am presented. As a wife and mother that’s important to me.
And the pain hurts so much more because I KNOW what it is like to be free and expressed. I’m hungry for that freedom.
I could write a sob story… but what would be the point. It is not that those things don’t matter but that they are not who I am at my core and I KNOW that!
I always need the reminder.
Breathe. Just breathe.
Into the pain and the fear.
Let it go….
As I let myself move beyond the e-motions surging through my body, I adjust, to feel more in my power.
Even if the people I am around right now don’t know how to show me that I do.
The information should allow me to have the experience of it for knowledge.
I have to remember who I am.
We ALL do.
We are fighting battles at a masquerade.
Dressed up for the world and beaten and bruised underneath it all to fit into the expectations set on us by a society that isn’t promoting things for our best interest.
My caramel, milk chocolate kissed skin and spring coil curls can’t be what “YOU” say I SHOULD be.
As anger pours into me I feel my blood run hot and can see how this can take me on a negative cycle.
*Devil I rebuke you*
*Negativity I subdue you*
*Positivity I exhort you (pour into me)*
*God I praise you*
I wish to see a change.
Therefore, I start with the Strong Woman I see in the mirror. (I’ll tell you why another time)
See the beauty of life is knowing that you are a light of God. I gave my life over to love.
And I suffer for it….
For a time
For a reason
And when I say
So I managed to be present in this process of writing.
Let this be an inspiration to you. A reminder that you are not alone. Don’t let this be in vain. Receive the fullness of my sharing. This is a gift to you.
In part 2 I will give you the gift of being present. When you feel that you are suffocating in the comfort of your life you’ll be able to use this to move to that feeling of being successfully happy.
Sending love now and forever…
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In the mean time, learn more about your needs and desires and how to actualize/ manifest them by downloading The Life Transformation System™ Revealed: The 3 part method to gain more time, clarity, and joy in your life.
Until next time
I love you!
Be Happy. Be Present. Be Free.